Seismic Stan is one of the most well known Eve bloggers. Developer of the award winning Incarna: The Text Adventure video game. Co-Creator of Tech4 and former Voices of the Void host. Always with an amusing twist. More of his blogs can be found here: Seismic Stan’s Freebooted blog.

FreeBooted: CCP’s “Walking in Stations” Expansion Schedule Revealed

Aha, I’m onto you Team Avatar.

I note that in CCP Unifex’s devblog, his announcement that next expansion is to be called “Inferno” came shortly after all the missiles were renamed, with one missile type also being called “Inferno”.

Coincidence? I think not.

Some careful research has revealed the true nature of EVE Online’s upcoming avatar-based expansions.

Summer 2012 – EVE Online: Inferno

The first expansion will see the optional inclusion of open fires in our Captain’s Quarters, with a hearth fashioned from a disused Inferno missile. Not only will this serve as a statement of style, it also provides an entertaining way to delete items, dragging-and-dropping in order to make the blaze higher. Sometimes things may melt together to form rare loot, other times it will explode, wiping out your clone.

With the ability to invite one other player into your quarters, this will lead to exciting games of fireside Russian roulette.

New animations such as “furtive glance”, “hand-holding” and “knee-touching” will enable players to get to know each other better in an intimate environment ripe for some awkward yet romantic moments.

Jita 4-4 will be renamed Brokeback Station.

Winter 2012 – EVE Online: Trauma

With the release of the highly anticipated CARBON Internal Organ Simulator, players will be able to manually insert their implants in a location of their choosing, with creative placement yielding additional benefits and comical side-effects.

Accidentally put your ‘Deadeye’ gunnery implant too close to your optic nerve and your clone becomes irreversibly boss-eyed. Stimulate your growth hormones with your ‘Yeti’ implant to become fantastically hairy, or shove your ‘Beancounter’ implant into your brainstem and become embarrassingly flatulent.

With technology advancements now allowing up to five other capsuleers to join you, players can enjoy entertaining ‘Operation’ style party games such as Implant Darts, Pass the Kidney and Scalpel Fight.

Summer 2013 – EVE Online: Nova

Nova, the expansion all the teenagers had been hoping for, sees the introduction of fully customisable pole-dancers. As a licensed clone service, Nova will be available on all stations utilising state-of-the-art AI. Nova will do everything she can to please the ship-spinning capsuleer, with a variety of provocative dances. Fully customisable and alluring costumes will be available from the NeX store.

After the first few weeks, Nova will start to expect the player to be more attentive, setting increasingly unreasonable missions, demanding gifts and sometimes requiring the capsuleer to remain docked for the session. The optional male variant (Dave) will just become inactive and sit on the couch watching holovids.

Fortunately, Nova is backwards compatible with previous expansions and can “interact” with all Trauma devices and the Inferno features.

Winter 2013 – EVE Online: Mjolnir

Named for the hammer of Thor, Norse God of Thunder, Mjolnir will indeed allow your avatar to get to grips with a hammer. In fact a full set of DIY tools will become standard in all Captain’s Quarters and will be stored in an all new annexed area of the CQ called the Self-contained Hassle-free Engineering Dome (SHED).

Better yet, the CQ will now be fully customisable. With fully-featured world-building tools, the player will now be able to manipulate 3D versions of many in-game items and build unique constructions. Tinkering with strange devices in the SHED can lead to the creation of unique and marketable items.

Unfortunately, every time you dock, you will find Nova has moved things from your hangar and won’t tell you where they are until certain amendments have been made to the main Captain’s Quarters area. Expect DIY missions such as “Wardrobe Construction”, “Curtain-Pole Adjustment” and “Fix the Holoscreen (cos it won’t turn on any more, I don’t know what I’ve done).”

I can’t wait. The future is coming. 😉

Seismic Stan

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  1. derp

    how dare you waste my time like that, I missed precious ship spinning.

    February 27, 2012 at 5:02 am Reply
  2. Silentskills

    This would have made a great April Fool's joke

    February 27, 2012 at 5:03 am Reply
    1. Urziel99

      agreed, I'm almost curious what Stan has in store for that.

      February 27, 2012 at 7:24 am Reply
    2. druid_cilnok

      As i was reading it, i had to check my system calendar to confirm that is indeed the 27th of Feb, and not 1st April. lol.

      February 27, 2012 at 9:02 am Reply
      1. That's the clever thing. It actually *is* April 1st, but the article confused you so much you can no longer judge dates (a problem I resolved by getting married – boom boom). Such is the hypotic power of words.

        You also feel compelled to send me your login and password. And your bank details.

        Thanks. 😉

        February 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm Reply
        1. druid_cilnok

          Lol. Welcome to my bank details. can you put some money in there, when you get to it pls. thanks.

          February 27, 2012 at 9:52 pm Reply
        2. ex-NC

          but i already gave my account free of charge …

          February 28, 2012 at 11:29 am Reply
    3. Nulli_Grunt

      I believed every word implicitly. Good read +1.

      February 27, 2012 at 10:59 am Reply
      1. Gumpin

        This has to be the future. Anything less and its back to the jita circle.

        February 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm Reply
        1. Cynic

          Captains Quarters Online ftw.

          February 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm Reply
          1. daniel

            best joke ever…its a SPACE – SHIP game not that shit

            February 28, 2012 at 4:27 pm
  3. CnC

    How to make CQ work: Add pole dancers and everything else a real immortal capsuleer would actually put in their quarters.

    For ideas, send developers to EVE Vegas next year with some petty cash in pocket… I'm sure they'll get some ideas 😉

    February 27, 2012 at 5:17 am Reply
    1. Random Guy

      Hey! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

      Sadly this doesn't apply to drunken marriages… >.>

      February 28, 2012 at 12:42 am Reply
      1. CnC

        So the EVE version of that is…

        What happen in your quarters, stays in your quarters?

        (Until some idiot decides to send screenshots to PCGamer and the entire world questions what the hell EVE has going on…)

        February 28, 2012 at 4:24 pm Reply
  4. solar ally

    waste of fucking time reading this

    February 27, 2012 at 5:17 am Reply
    1. Made your bed

      Just like space barbies

      February 27, 2012 at 5:23 pm Reply
    2. And yet you felt it worthy of comment.

      I love you funny little webfolk and your ways, you make it all worthwhile.

      February 27, 2012 at 6:14 pm Reply
      1. solar ally

        and faggots like you who attempt to troll.

        February 27, 2012 at 9:29 pm Reply
        1. Silentskills

          you mad bro? you sound mad.

          February 27, 2012 at 9:40 pm Reply
          1. CareBearStares

            A space barbie kicked his dog.

            February 27, 2012 at 9:52 pm
          2. CCCC

            February 28, 2012 at 2:50 am
        2. Brilliant comeback, I know when I'm beaten. 😉

          Incidentally is that "faggots" as in the British meatballs or the bigoted US insult about homosexuality?


          February 28, 2012 at 1:58 am Reply
        3. I found this written by someone clearly more educated than you and thought it might be helpful to you:

          "Freudian psychologists might posit that this phrase, along with the prolific misuse of “gay”, “faggot” and assorted other sexually-themed words, is connected to the frustration of the user, expressing his impotence or insecurity through aggressive language in attempt to demean others and assert their sexual dominance. They should be pitied."

          So next time you feel angry about something on the internet, instead of being offensive try having a wank. You might like it.

          I don't mind if you think of me. xx

          February 29, 2012 at 3:59 am Reply
  5. wtf

    why did someone bother to make a news like this? was the poster drunk or something?

    February 27, 2012 at 5:22 am Reply
    1. Is a tongue in cheek piece… tonto.

      February 27, 2012 at 5:27 am Reply
      1. powersv2

        I was hoping this was the case, otherwise I was going to have to batphone The Mittani for a new threadnaught.

        February 27, 2012 at 7:33 am Reply
  6. Observer

    Send developers to Vegas with petty cash??????????

    Well for the normal idiot in Vegas I would say you have a 50/50 chance of remembering if you had a good time but Im pretty sure a group of game devs will end up at a nearby Denny's drinking decaf and comparing comic book collections.

    February 27, 2012 at 5:36 am Reply
  7. anotherguy

    Not exactly news, but I laughed. Thanks 😀

    February 27, 2012 at 6:41 am Reply
  8. chaky

    just stream porntube to CQ TV screen, and you will notice subscriber base growing and CQ getting popular

    February 27, 2012 at 8:28 am Reply
    1. druid_cilnok

      Porn would only keep me …. captivated… for about 2 minutes. Then i guess i would use the inferno for the… evidence…. then turn CQ off.

      February 27, 2012 at 9:07 am Reply
    2. M1k3y

      DEATH TO CQ!!!

      Wait, its got porn now?

      February 28, 2012 at 12:43 am Reply
  9. Buggrit

    Pretty nice piece, actually. The nova is a prime example of why you should pay, play and gtfo.

    February 27, 2012 at 8:58 am Reply
  10. Akrasjel Lanate

    what is this shity article

    February 27, 2012 at 10:20 am Reply
    1. Never mind, it's not for you. There'll be an article about manly ship combat and derring-do soon. Come back then.

      February 27, 2012 at 6:15 pm Reply
  11. " "

    not fucking amused at all stan,

    February 27, 2012 at 10:31 am Reply
    1. An additional benefit to the proposed Trauma expansion is the ability to reverse sense of humour bypass operations.

      February 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm Reply
    2. dreamersofreality

      Train Sense of Humour to level 5, its in the Social skill list its a 0x skill

      February 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm Reply
    3. Nulli_Grunt

      You wouldn't get it if we told you you are too mainstream. :hipster vibe:

      February 27, 2012 at 6:13 pm Reply
  12. M1k3y

    Figured it was a joke because all the expansions were named after MISSILES

    February 27, 2012 at 10:59 am Reply
    1. Muul Udonii

      You figured? Nothing gets passed you

      February 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm Reply
  13. -.-

    Satirical posts should be entertaining.

    February 27, 2012 at 10:59 am Reply
  14. Scrubby McPubbie

    here's a sympathy lol

    February 27, 2012 at 11:10 am Reply
    1. [youtube 8ZUJhHWL5VY youtube]

      February 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm Reply
  15. The Observer

    epic trol was epic. +1

    February 27, 2012 at 1:56 pm Reply
  16. CareBearStares

    1:09 Eve Time:
    *Bang Bang Bang*
    Concord Officer, “We’ve gotten calls about some commotion, Open Up!”

    The Capsuleer, opens the door wearing his black NEX Undershirt smoking a purple cigarette. The shoulder strap of his shirt is stretched out and hanging down over his bicep and he has a black eye. In the background you can hear Nova throwing various items over the railing into the docking bay screaming about how she new he was worthless the moment he onlined her and offering various unflattering descriptions of his sexual interests.

    Capsuleer, “Look, osifer… she hit me fir… Ow! Ow Ow Ow!"
    The Concord personnel throw the immortal pilot into a wrist lock and kick the back of his knee bringing him to the floor with a crunch.

    *CONCORD is filmed on location with the men and women of galactic law enforcement. All suspects are guilty until their ship is destroyed in retaliation for their crimes.*

    February 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm Reply
    1. Haha, nice.

      So we need custom animations and more camera tools to make this happen. Seedy EVE grindhouse machinima is the future. :)

      February 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm Reply
  17. TOTO

    Best roadmap. Would hire as product manager.

    February 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm Reply
  18. Cfc

    Riverini post a article about team tech getting raped just a minute ago and the dreads and carriers your precious initiative mercs lost last night to those pirates

    February 27, 2012 at 10:07 pm Reply
  19. eve player

    good parody but i will personaly only consider walking i stations a success if i can walk upto mittani avatar and kick him in his virtual bollocks

    February 27, 2012 at 10:18 pm Reply

    Would be GREAT if the fireplace idea actually happened! I mean what better than inviting someone u need to get even with into your CQ & then get them to move in close to the fireplace while you throw as much of the crap as u have into it hoping for an explosion so the other party gets injured or better still killed!

    February 27, 2012 at 10:44 pm Reply
  21. ZedoTelhado

    I want dancers in my CQ's !!

    February 27, 2012 at 11:47 pm Reply
  22. Random Miner

    …… is this what they call a troll?

    February 28, 2012 at 12:39 am Reply
    1. M1k3y

      Yup… also known as a waste of time.

      February 28, 2012 at 12:40 am Reply
  23. Religious Khanid

    What this world has come to , this is debauchery , the empire won't tolerate pole dancers in his stations !

    February 28, 2012 at 2:27 pm Reply
  24. TheButcherPete

    This article is PURE WIN.

    February 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm Reply
  25. 0bserver

    Whaooosh, I'm sure that PL/NC majority and all exWOW retards, that are still here, can't wait to have more fun (khmm !??!) in game simply by walking… outa game :)

    February 28, 2012 at 5:47 pm Reply
  26. Borg Queen

    Exotic dancer who we can dress, or undress? and Pole-spinning the girls too? I might be more interested in CQ if I could stage hot love scenes, in the privacy of my CQ, of course.

    Any chance of getting two dancers and getting a menage-a-twa started? Hell, I would pay extra for that.

    February 28, 2012 at 11:45 pm Reply
  27. oinker

    love it ! cant wait for this shit to hit the internurts

    March 1, 2012 at 11:13 am Reply
  28. berhonera

    enjoying it 100%.

    February 23, 2013 at 9:20 am Reply

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