[spoiler show=”Editor’s Note”]Many times we have leaked the GoonSwarm Federation alliance update and wrongfully attribute it to The Mittani when in reallity it was written by Endie, after an email exchange Endie registered in EN24 so we could properly attribute the updates to him.


Originally posted here.

GoonSwarm Alliance Update.

Fuck It

In a week dominated by the news that REM were breaking up while U2 still, for some reason, refuse to hang themselves in a garage with the strings from the Edge’s guitar, a far more important story has been overlooked: a man has been sent to prison for 18 weeks for trolling on the internet. A man described thus “single, male, introverted-looking, a sad loner who spends hours upon hours on his laptop feeding that great cyber gulch with what he apparently believed to be his dazzling wit.” What’s that? I thought I heard a couple of thousand people suddenly say “oh shit…”


So far we’ve taken three systems in Delve, including the M2- station system near the Fountain border, during the fight for which we killed a Morsus Mihi supercarrier. We have put other systems in reinforced, won a bunch of fights and are inexorably working our way south. In the last few days there haven’t been a huge number of posted ops, with people generally jumping into fleets from jabber broadcasts, but I am assured that this will change as we approach the weekend, and that we will now start turning the screw.

As the campaign began, mistakes were made. Mainly by Morsus Mihi’s goonhating spylord TraderJohn (modus operandi: if you know nothing, hide it by making up intel) and well-known grammatical butcherer (and ace gullibilist) Riverini, who between them loudly proclaimed a series of Mitteno-centric conspiracies: Goons were being paid by White Noise to distract AAA’s Delve allies from helping them; Goons had secretly allied with xDeathx to destroy the NC; Goons had secretly combined with the Freemasons and the Rosicrucians to plant a bomb in the second tower and in order to pin it on laundry-headed extremists Stahlregen later edited in footage of a plane (which is why you can hear Nine Inch Nails playing in the background just before the impact).

Despite our benign tolerance, Morsus Mihi and their little pals posted in a manner that suggested that they were mad. No, I mean mad mad. Vlade Randall was one of the three leaders of Morsus Mihi at the start of the attack:

Vlade > lets just say my RL job makes me good for this kind of covert work :)
Vlade > one thing
Lacco > are you a ninja
Lacco > as in real life
Vlade > hahahaha
Vlade > something like that
Vlade > i have combat and martial arts training
Vlade > ill let you guess the rest
Vlade > because the law forbits me from revealing anything furthe
Vlade > but im one of the “good guys” in RL
Vlade > sent to do the dirty jobs
Vlade > and keep it hush hush
Vlade > understand?

So remember, when I go on, later, to ask each of you to show up in Delve for fights, nobody can force you to put yourself at risk fighting real life covert ninja assassins such as Morsus Mihi have at their disposal. This is a personal choice and I won’t hold it against any of you who decide that this is a step too far.

The other mistakes that were made were by angry Dutch racist Vee and keen gravitational anomaly Dabigredboat, who spent the run-up to the Delve war strolling round the north picking off supercapitals belonging to people like PL and Raiden. Which did have a teensy dampening effect on the willingness of the Delve targets to show up en masse. A reluctance only reinforced when we killed another supercapital and its protective capital fleet, this week. But as of last night they have worked out that we are serious about this and that they are losing their space (again), so show up in your disposable welpfleet ships and rediscover fun fleet fights in Eve.

Operation Freeport

Here is the deal: Goons have, since at least 2007 that I know of, asked for a Thunderdome region. Delve is going to be that region. This isn’t “lawl guys guys let’s put Gallente outposts in every system in Cloud Ring”: every station in Delve is going to be a freeport, with docking open to everyone (terms and conditions apply, offer subject to status, the value of your supercarrier may go down as well as up). Morsus Mihi and Brick Squad (with their refugee camp membership of Majesta and Rage goonhaters) have spent months blaming us for every ill in their badly-planned and poorly-thought-through lives. This time they are right.

Normally, taking sovereignty under Eve’s Dominion mechanics is about as pleasant as attempting to achieve masturbatory release with two rusty crucifixion nails protruding, jagged end inwards, through one’s palms while imagining a naked Lady Scarlet on a binge/purge cycle. But it turns out that taking sov in 250 hurricanes while a handful of bitter ex-Majesta victims whine loudly in local from the temporary safety of their dying station sovereignty fairly makes the time fly past.

Delve will be open for everyone with -9.8 standings and above to dock in. Anyone in Delve right now who doesn’t want us booting them out can accept our terms and do likewise, which will lead to the hilarious sight of our victims teeth-grindingly watching our roaming gangs docking up to refit while ganking their ratters. This means that any enthusiastic young scamps with stars in their eyes and a cocky grin can come out and live in Delve, so long as they don’t mind the fact that we – and just about everyone else – will shoot at them. Think of it as Providence at its peak. If CVA had been run by a sociopathic ant-farmer with a blowtorch, a grudge and the motto “six legs bad, no legs good”. Delve will, with luck, become the PvP cockfagging heaven we dreamt of, but without the bit in the dream about the loping, grey dog that stalks you menacingly while sporting a massive erection and wearing a mask made of your mother’s hastily-stitched-together face.

To make this happen, we need you, Gentle Goons, to get to Delve, preferably tonight, and to x up for fleets. Mynas has been taking unauthorised groups of supercaps out and surreptitiously reinforcing everything from towers up to stations in order to save the rest of us the trouble of doing so, so we will get fights. Get your ass to Mars, and you get to help create Eve’s newest and most unpleasant zone of NPC space, with Goon Pirate sovereignty. Now we just need volunteer groups of four or five to sit in belts and pay 1.35 million a time to anyone who kills them.

The Drone Clusterfuck Confederation
A funny thing about Eve Online is that the trolls have a habit of coming true.

For months, AAA, Red Overlord and Nulli Secunda have been alternately wheedling us to save them or accusing us of being the willing allies and cohorts of the Drone Federation. To paraphrase Eco, Eve breeds a special sort of idiot: everything is a conspiracy against them, and no matter what happens confirms them in this belief. You can tell them by their dubious spelling, their liberties with the truth, and by the fact that, sooner or later, they always blame Goons. Now, they have banded together with Vlade to proclaim that a massive conspiracy exists to take over all of nullsec sovereign space. We’re through the looking glass here, people.

At first, we tried to explain that this wasn’t true, but you can’t reason with these people. We might as well have been posting that Durr Hurr Durr had raised thousands for charity on a two-week sponsored silence, for all that we were believed.

I ask you this: if there was such a foul conspiracy between us and the Drone Confederation, would we have left each others’ tech moons alone? If we were intent on splitting all of nullsec between us, would we have deployed to take Delve, Period Basis and Querious, taking down our sov in Tribute the day after killing RaidenDot supercapitals there? And would NCDot have deployed south the very same day to help finish off AAA for good?

More to the point, would the Russians have laughed at AAA’s hilarious decision, as they were losing Catch, that they would beg forgiveness from the Drone Federation leadership by invading Deklein and sending us running back to Empire? It just doesn’t make sense.

Well, let’s all just take a moment to put up a wee word to the Lord that this rumour isn’t true. If it was to hit the gaming press that CCP’s neglect of Eve Online and the hideous nature of their game mechanics had reached the point where the two remaining superpowers had decided to splt the galaxy down the middle then who knows what might happen? I can only imagine that “The End of Eve” would make a dangerously seductive headline. And if we were to concentrate on exacting vengeance on those who had wronged us before turning on Empire and griefing pubbie mission runners and industrialists into oblivion while indulging in massive-scale market manipulation then I can only sit here and shake my head at the possible fallout. Not all press is good press.

Gents have been on deployment for the last few days. This is as a result of discussions I’ve had with each of our Pure Blind and Fade allies over the last couple of weeks about developing their capabilities. While this was couched in terms of a request, and not an order (they are their own alliances, after all, and we don’t have pets), various alliances took it in different ways. To be honest, Gents basically did the teenaged boy thing and stomped off shouting “Fine! We’ll do your stupid deployment!” But after the best part of a week deployed against same-sized IEGEX they have shut down their space all day every day, killed many hundreds of hapless victims, forced much panicked tower-unanchoring (during which they stole a freighter and the tower, mods and fittings it contained), rapecaged or disabled their jump bridge network and reinforced systems and stations. They are having a great time and their gangs are gradually turning into bona fide fleets. They’ve also done other stuff which is pretty awesome but remains opsec.

Goonswarm Shrugged: An Empire Drama
You may not be interested in Goonswarm. But Goonswarm is interested in you.

Once our victims in Delve slump into dejected acceptance and we start to race through their sovereignty, Weaselior (with help from Kazanir and Aryth amongst others) has come up with a plan to inflict some amazingly widespread misery on those we hate. “Those we hate”, as you know, includes (but is by no means limited to) everyone in Eve, including ourselves. And so it is with this super-secret plan. Stage one is already underway, and if you respond to my nagging and grant Vee and Dbrb some sizable fleets over the next week or so then we’ll roll it out and you will see some hilarity.

We have been warned of the terrible consequences of abusing our position to grief empire by a pubbie on Kugutsumen:

What do you guys do when the corporations of empire space just decide fuck it, drop their corps and everyone migrates to the NPC corps in a mass exodus? All this really does is cause a headache for people who want to be in empire, who will have to abandon one of the features of the game (corporations) in order to be able to do their thing.

After a while though people will start leaving the game. Not the bittervet assholes like us who post on k.com or fhc either… the people who love the game despite its flaws and still play, and who played all through the bad expansions. The people who kept a positive attitude during the rough times because they had faith in the devs and fellow players as well that the game would get better. Maybe for them it never got bad at all. These people start leaving in droves because they can’t play the game anymore. Griefed out by the fucking Mittani. Melvin the Mission runner and Kevin the Carebear. You never gave a shit about them before — they were just ships passing by. Little people playing the game in a small way and enjoying it. When those people leave because of this it won’t be CCP they blame. It won’t be the expansions or monocles or engine trails or MT. They will look to you as the reason. And that is how Eve Online will finally die. It won’t be because of CCP’s unfortunate design choices – it will be because the biggest power bloc in the game got bored and decided to break it for everyone.

To which I think each one of us can only react by leaning forward, narrowing our eyes a little and saying “I’m listening, go on…”

Newbie Drive
We have this perfect zyzygy aligning, consisting of griefing people in Delve, griefing Eve with the DCF, and Weaselior’s upcoming plan. This makes for a great time to do a newbie drive, and so I’m again tasked with writing the OP for that. Rather than recycle the old posters yet again I could really do with some section heading banners and one or two pro pieces of artwork. If you are a good artist/designer and can do one of these then let me know by PM and I’ll give you a draft outline of what would really help.

I’m not a proud person so I’m just going to say that I tweet at @Endieposts where I am followed by half a dozen IRL friends, 26 or 27 eve dudes and, for reasons which remain obscure, an apparently genuine celebrity dress designer :iiam: Maybe she read my blog and realised the huge, Eve-shaped hole at the centre of her being.


[spoiler show=”Did we mess up?”]
We want to give you guys the best possible intel, to post as fast as we can confirm it, but Eve being :Eve: is quite confusing. If we messed up with our intel, please contact us directly [email protected], provide the proof of it and we’ll correct it immediately noting the change and bringing the correction on top of the article list.[/spoiler]

If you would like to send intel or contribute, feel free to use the form below:

[spoiler show=”Submit Intel Here”]



  1. Antkill

    BLAH BLAH BLAH I'm awesome, you're not BLAH BLAH BLAH

    September 22, 2011 at 7:11 pm Reply
    1. as one sided as this might sound (am not GSF) this communique speaks for at least 25k pilots and affects many others.

      September 22, 2011 at 7:17 pm Reply
      1. goonhax

        It's funny how the only well-written articles on your site come from a goon. Something you can ponder as your alliance gets kicked out of nullsec. Again.

        September 22, 2011 at 7:45 pm Reply
        1. GhostOfPlatinumGoon

          No kidding. Riverini you should ask Endie for some writing tips.

          September 22, 2011 at 8:02 pm Reply
          1. testie

            Let Endie be an editor, funniest shit i read in a while on en24

            September 22, 2011 at 8:36 pm
  2. let It be True

    You have just made me one of the happiest un-subed bitter vets in the world, please never stop.

    Have your fun for the next year or so and when I come back and feel that CCP has earned my money, EVE as we know it will be like that apocalyptic cut away in lord of the rings where everyone is enslaved. I know it sounds sick but at least it will be fun … rebels unite!

    Star Wars begins when the DCF win eve …

    September 22, 2011 at 7:27 pm Reply
  3. guest

    The part about U2 is actually pretty funny

    September 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm Reply
  4. I now feel really bad about making that riverini joke.

    September 22, 2011 at 7:59 pm Reply
  5. Bob the Bitcher

    I'm sorry – I fail to see where the news worthiness of this piece is???

    September 22, 2011 at 8:29 pm Reply
  6. Peggy from prime

    This is like 1984 rewritten by Dennis Miller……..With foreword by Hugo Chavez.

    Perhaps the last goon sov scam victims here Will be the first to move stuff to goon stations that are "open" to all….

    September 22, 2011 at 8:31 pm Reply
    1. ok, I lolled at the Miller / Chavez ref,


      September 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm Reply
    2. GhostOfPlatinumGoon

      Hey Riverini, why haven't you posted a retraction of the story linked above?

      September 22, 2011 at 9:17 pm Reply
  7. testicles

    Chinese server anyone?

    September 22, 2011 at 9:16 pm Reply
    1. Cause I can

      Thats a massive blue fest too, good fuckin luck

      September 23, 2011 at 3:19 am Reply
  8. Arlekyn

    Huh, I just can't stop thinking of -a- block + Delve coalition and Raiden/NCdot joining forces and pushing goons out of Deklein into a thunderdome Delve. Yep, I know this sounds crazy, but, is it as crazy as it seems? Somehow I think many entities residing in Delve atm would feel "strangely comfortable" with it :)

    September 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm Reply
  9. Dizsen

    If a game company lets a group of players kill their game … Ill have to find a good seat to watch it burn. Should be entertaining either way.

    September 22, 2011 at 10:48 pm Reply
  10. ViperRum

    "Goons had secretly combined with the Freemasons and the Rosicrucians to plant a bomb in the second tower and in order to pin it on laundry-headed extremists Stahlregen later edited in footage of a plane (which is why you can hear Nine Inch Nails playing in the background just before the impact)."

    Riverini we need more of this…this is great stuff.

    September 22, 2011 at 10:57 pm Reply
    1. lol

      endie wrote this you moron. check the author name

      September 23, 2011 at 8:25 am Reply
  11. anatlasgoon

    Well, Goonswarm is finally getting what they've always wanted. SomethingAwful decided one day to troll an entire MMO, and years later, by God, they're doing it. Cheers.

    September 22, 2011 at 11:27 pm Reply
  12. HavenShallBurn

    I dont get it.

    Why not install such Thunderdome somewhere else?
    I mean most of 0.0 is like a PVP desert cuz sov-holding Powerblocks blobbing the shit of everything which dares to enter their space with more than 5 ships. Furthermore all u will see in such Blocks are renters who are not willing to fight anyway.
    Delve in his current state is one of the very few regions where u already have a living pvp environment.
    All that goons r doing is taking someoneelses nicely written novel and rewrite it word for word with their marker pen.

    there r other dead Regions in 0.0 which needs to be transformed into thunderdomes than Delve.
    why not starting with them?

    September 22, 2011 at 11:58 pm Reply
    1. Imigo

      "most of 0.0 is like a PVP desert cuz sov-holding Powerblocks blobbing the shit of everything which dares to enter their space with more than 5 ships"

      The blobbing happens when 30-100 pilot gangs go out looking for a fight with other 30-100 pilot gangs. If your 5 pilot gang is silly enough to stumble into one of these groups (which happens in Delve too), you're gonna get blobbed.

      Deal with it.

      September 23, 2011 at 2:39 am Reply
    2. Its an issue of finding a good match, for the same reason you don't play football against a 10 years old kid, the Northern Coalition remains as one of the most stubborns and constant "bringers of PVP" in game (check eve kill top 20), also, having a playground next door to your region is a luxury.


      September 23, 2011 at 8:26 am Reply
    3. bombergudfites

      funny you say that, I agree delve is already a pvp playground and goons are basically saying "hey if we take it off them we can say it was our idea"

      free port Mittani's asshole instead, cause RC is ready

      September 24, 2011 at 12:28 pm Reply
  13. CFC : 5K pilots – 1 brain .

    September 23, 2011 at 12:22 am Reply
    1. Easy

      More like 15k meat pieces.

      September 23, 2011 at 10:56 am Reply
  14. casual observer

    still peeps cant read between the lines the reason chief goon clown mittani wants a delve thunderdome is its easier take sov in delve from small gang PvP pilots than and organised alliances.if you think for 1 minute goon clown mittani doesnt want delve for goons then your dribbling idiots.goons have covoted delve since the BOB owned it and their wanting it has'nt waned in the slightest.i give it 6 months of in elve where its total chaos in delve and with DRF permission chief goon clown and his little sheep will make a move for delve and the thunderdome will end with one of chief goon clowns speeches like "were brining order to chaos" and all that bullshit you expect from mittani

    September 23, 2011 at 12:28 am Reply
    1. Anonymous


      You do realize we're steamrolling sov as it is? How could we make it any easier than just asking for what we want (freeport delve)? Oh wait, we did that. And it worked.

      September 23, 2011 at 5:25 am Reply
  15. Melegsare openow

    I'm sure this will dominate the chats in the EVE community for months like herpes on a Tijuana hooker.

    September 23, 2011 at 1:37 am Reply
  16. AAA Victor

    -A- has never gone running for help, maybe suggested it because it seems like a good idea but Goons are to retarded to see the bigger picture maybe they like the big blue fest of their leaders RMTing and full of PL alts who bot in their space.

    September 23, 2011 at 1:59 am Reply
    1. Cause I can

      "-A- has never gone running for help" haha good joke that was quite funny.

      oh you were being serious….let me laugh harder BAHAHA

      I was there when -A- screamed for help from people in Delve and stain "oh no help us DRF are attacking us help help", I went there under orders to help fight, Everyone then realised why -A- were losing.

      Something that absoulutely amazes me, but apparently to win a war you have to fight!, I know its a mircale *sarcasm*

      But seriously -A- didn't know this

      September 23, 2011 at 3:23 am Reply
      1. AAA Victor

        screaming? are you retarded we asked when we shouldnt even had to allies help each other screaming for help is running to PL like DRF had to for NC screaming for help is for Raiden and NCdot hiding behind WN RA etc so their lovely moons dont get taken off them. Your an idiot and dont know anything

        We have been fighting when we can and with what we have what the fuck can you do against 150+ Super cap fleet you moron, quit this game you are retarded our little coalition of what 5K players vs a coalition over 20K? lol

        September 23, 2011 at 6:02 am Reply
        1. GhostOfPlatinumGoon

          Goons figured out how to deal with ~elite PvP~ supercap blobs. If you guys can't figure it out you just have to hold on until they get nerfed to the ground this winter.

          September 23, 2011 at 7:08 am Reply
        2. Dark_Spliff

          You idiot AAA Victor (if you can call it that), you fuckin ragin because you couldn't adapt to how things were going, you DID scream for help and we came and then you expected to sit back while we did all the work, we did realitvely good, now look at the sov map you fuckin retarded downie, who has lost all the sov now we left you to hold on your own??

          September 23, 2011 at 7:48 am Reply
  17. " "

    "sooner or later, they always blame Goons."

    September 23, 2011 at 3:44 am Reply
  18. bringer'

    for everyone in this game: open start menu in windows and enter boot.ini and delete it. save you the trouble of having to play the game

    September 23, 2011 at 4:15 am Reply
  19. Muul Udonii

    Best Article Ever.

    September 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm Reply
  20. theocannory


    February 23, 2013 at 10:39 am Reply

Leave a Reply